Chapter Three: You're So Silly
This damned system… Will someone please save me! Geng Haoshi had never so desperately wished for a so-called deity to appear and free him from the system’s claws.
“Master, actually, this system is divided into five stages.”
“They are: Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, Super, and Divine.”
“Each stage comes with a series of tasks.”
“In every stage, you may adjust the tasks in the series according to your preferences, as long as you complete all tasks for that stage within the allotted time.”
“Obviously, you’re currently at the Beginner stage.”
“Master, I recommended your first task based on your body scan data.”
“…So, I can choose what my first task will be?”
“Yes, Master. However, based on your bodily data, I still suggest you start with the task of developing an eight-pack in one month.”
“My body data? What is it?” Geng Haoshi was curious to hear, imagining himself as some overpowered game character, complete with impressive stats.
“Alright, Master.
Your physical data are as follows:
Heart rate: 50–66 bpm
Blood pressure: 161/90 mmHg
Total blood volume: 73 ml/kg
Whole blood specific gravity: 1.054–1.062
Plasma: 1.024–1.029
Blood colloid osmotic pressure: 21±3 mmHg (2.80±0.40 kPa)
Blood crystalloid osmotic pressure: 280–310 mOsm/kg (280–310 mmol/L)
…”
“…Speak in human language!” Geng Haoshi interrupted the system, baffled by what sounded like alien jargon.
“…”
“Well? Speak up.”
“Ahem, alright, dear Master. Next, 9527 will report in the simplest and clearest terms.”
“Mm.” Geng Haoshi nodded with satisfaction. “Go ahead.”
“Alright, Master. After scanning your entire body, I’ve concluded: although you are a bona fide, certified, no-returns, short, broke, ugly, perverted shut-in, you somehow suffer from the ‘three highs’—high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar—an affliction usually reserved for the rich.”
“…”
“…”
“…Thank you for your clarity…” Geng Haoshi rolled his eyes.
“You’re welcome, Master. It’s my duty.”
“…”
“Master, there’s also a rather private matter. Would you like to know?”
“…Now that you’ve said that, how could I not want to know…” Geng Haoshi rolled his eyes again.
“Master, through my built-in multi-threaded alien synchronization monitoring system, I’ve already collected a vast amount of genuine opinions and evaluations about you from your classmates, teachers, roommates, and various passersby.”
“…” Other people’s real opinions about me? What a dilemma—he wanted to know, yet feared it. Geng Haoshi fell into his usual spiral of overthinking.
Before Geng Haoshi could answer, the system continued on its own: “Master, after keyword searching these information streams, I found the general public’s evaluation of you is highly consistent.”
“Really? Am I that unique?” Geng Haoshi began to look forward to it.
“…People’s evaluation of you is… ‘dim-witted’…”
“…” Geng Haoshi stuck his little finger straight up his right nostril and started digging thoughtfully.
“…Master, you didn’t mishear…”
“…Can’t you at least give me a way out?”
“Very well, Master.”
In the silence, twenty-two seconds slipped by…
“Master, have you found your way out? May I continue?”
“…” Geng Haoshi, utterly defeated, turned away and pressed his head into his musty quilt…
“Dear Master, I suggest you refrain from actions harmful to your cranial development. Otherwise, you may become even more dim-witted.”
“So many flies…” Geng Haoshi could finally empathize with Sun Wukong’s torment at the hands of the chattering Tang Monk in “A Chinese Odyssey.”
“Master, the reason the people’s evaluation of you is always ‘dim-witted’ is, in fact, somewhat related to your name…”
“My name? What about it? My name was determined by my parents after thorough consultation with a Daoist priest versed in both astronomy and geography, using the five elements, the eight trigrams, and the Purple Star Astrology—an auspicious name meant to ward off evil!” Geng Haoshi sneered at the system. “Hmph, you alien, freakish, infuriating system—how could you possibly appreciate the profound and exquisite culture of my great nation, passed down for millennia?”
“…Master, I’m not sure about warding off evil… I’m just saying, in the information I collected, people’s interpretation of your name… is rather reasonable…”
“…Go on.” Geng Haoshi knew there was no escape.
“Master, your name ‘Geng Haoshi’ is a homophone for ‘square root of four’ in mathematics.”
“So what?” Geng Haoshi scoffed.
“…Master, did your embroidery teacher teach you math?”
“Isn’t it usually said, ‘Was your gym teacher your math teacher?’”
“Master, given your delicately hesitant, overly fussy, super effeminate personality traits, I made a subtle adjustment in your case so as to best express the depth and refinement of your nation’s culture…”
Another round of head-thudding against the quilt…
“In mathematics, the square root of four is two. So, Geng Haoshi equals two.”
“…And this is your so-called ‘reasonable explanation’?”
“Yes, because mathematics can explain the universe. You are a part of the universe, so you too can be explained by mathematics.”
“…”
“Dear Master, do you not believe in science?”
“…Let’s get back to talking about abs.” Not wanting to continue being endlessly ridiculed by this alien system, Geng Haoshi chose to compromise once more.
“Very well, Master. Given your current state of the three highs, training your abs can help you recover a healthy body more quickly. Specifically: wake up at precisely 3 a.m. every day, jog five kilometers from three to three-thirty, do five hundred pull-ups from three-thirty to four, five hundred sit-ups from four to four-thirty…”
“Wait… Are you trying to kill me?” Geng Haoshi felt his hair stand on end.
“…”
“Who gets up at three in the morning to do those insane things?!”
“…Master, do you know Kobe Bryant?”
“Of course, he’s that NBA player, right?”
“…”
“Did I get it wrong?” Geng Haoshi, who never exercised, naturally knew little about sports stars.
“No, Master. He plays in the NBA… and he’s also a superstar…”
“Oh… No wonder I’ve often heard his name.”
“…”
“What about him?”
“Master, have you heard of his ‘four a.m.’ routine?”
“…?” Geng Haoshi looked completely confused.
“…Alright, here’s the story:
A reporter once asked Kobe, ‘Why are you so successful?’ Kobe replied, ‘Do you know what Los Angeles looks like at four in the morning?’ The reporter shook his head: ‘No, so tell me, what does L.A. look like at four every morning?’ Kobe continued, ‘At four in the morning, Los Angeles is filled with stars, sparse lights, and almost no one on the streets. Yet I’m already up, walking through the darkness. One day passed, then two, then more than ten years—Los Angeles hasn’t changed, but I have, into a strong, powerful athlete with great shooting accuracy.’”
“He’s out so early… to pick up girls?”
“…He’s going to the court to practice, Master…” The system began to sweat.
“He must have a masochistic side,” Geng Haoshi nodded, pulling a large clump of snot from his nose.
“…”
“But he gets up at four, so why do I have to get up at three?” Though Geng Haoshi had never woken at four, it still sounded better than three.
“…Master, do you have his talent?”
“No.”
“If even a genius works that hard, shouldn’t you work even harder if you want to make it to the Olympics or the NBA?”
“Who said I want to go to the Olympics, let alone the NBA?!”
“…Dear Master, have you forgotten you’re already bound to me?”
“So what?” Geng Haoshi wore an air of defiance. Just thinking about how this wretched system had tricked him into binding made his blood boil.
“Master, since you are now bound to me, as your planet’s saying goes, we’re grasshoppers tied to the same rope. Users bound to this system must, within the set period, advance to the highest-level basketball competition on their planet. Otherwise… the consequences are severe!”
“What consequences?” At the word “severe,” Geng Haoshi had a bad feeling.
“…If you don’t complete it within the time limit… it’ll be… system crash and user death.”
“System crash and user death!” Geng Haoshi was completely stunned and at a loss.
Another twenty-two seconds of dead silence passed.
“…Master, there’s no need to worry too much. According to the data reported by the main system, among all users bound to this system, only 0.1% have met with system crash and user death.”
“Zero point one percent?!” Geng Haoshi quickly did the math in his head. “If I’m not mistaken, even if you never sold a single unit, just the lucky users who got it free already number 222,222,222! Zero point one percent—that means 222,222 users have died?!”
“…Master, how did your math improve so suddenly… haha…” The system was embarrassed.
“You—! Damn! Fuck! Baka yarou!…” Geng Haoshi was on the verge of total collapse.